The Shocking Ways Narcissists Manipulate their Partners
Narcissism, especially in the form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is more than just vanity or self-centeredness – it is a serious pattern of behaviour defined by an inflated sense of self-importance, an insatiable need for admiration, and a startling lack of empathy for others. In relationships, these traits often spell trouble. Partners of narcissists may at first feel charmed and special, only to later find themselves demeaned, confused, and walking on eggshells. Psychologists have observed that narcissistic relationships frequently follow a damaging cycle: the narcissist idealises their partner at first, then devalues them over time, and ultimately discards them once they feel their needs are no longer being met. This cycle of extreme highs and lows is a form of emotional abuse that can leave deep scars. People with narcissistic tendencies often engage in controlling and manipulative behaviours – sometimes even outright verbal or physical abuse – to maintain power in their relationships. The effects on their partners can be devastating, eroding self-esteem and emotional well-being over time.
To understand how this harm unfolds, it's important to recognise the manipulation tactics narcissists commonly use. Below, we break down key tactics – from the intoxicating rush of love bombing to the cruel cut of the silent treatment – and illustrate each with a real-life scenario. By learning to spot these behaviours, one can better understand the psychological trap of a narcissistic relationship. We also explore the psychological impact such abuse has on victims, supported by recent research, and outline strategies for recognising the manipulation and taking steps toward healing and recovery.
(Case scenario: For illustration, let's consider the story of Emily (a fictional composite case). Emily was thrilled when she began dating Adam, a man who seemed incredibly charming and attentive. However, as their relationship progressed, Emily experienced a bewildering change in Adam’s behaviour. We will use Emily’s experience as a running example to demonstrate each manipulation tactic in context.)
Key Manipulation Tactics Used by Narcissists
Narcissists often rely on a repertoire of manipulative tactics to gain and maintain control over their partners. These behaviours may start subtly and escalate over time. Below are some of the most common tactics, explained and illustrated through Emily and Adam’s story:
Love Bombing
At the start of the relationship, Emily felt like she was living a fairytale. Adam showered her with affectionate texts, surprise weekend getaways, lavish compliments, and constant attention. He told her on their third date that she was “the best thing that ever happened” to him. This overwhelming early courtship is known as love bombing. It involves excessive praise, flattery, and gifts aimed at quickly winning a person’s trust and affection. While it felt wonderful at first, Emily also had a faint gut feeling that things were “too perfect.” In hindsight, she realised Adam was not just being loving – he was creating a sense of dependency. By making Emily feel adored and special, Adam ensured that she would find it harder to later question his behaviour or pull away. Psychologists note that love bombing is not genuine love – it is a form of emotional abuse used to establish control over someone by hooking them in early. In Emily’s case, the love bombing phase set the stage for the manipulations that followed, leaving her emotionally tethered to Adam and hopeful that the “perfect” version of him would return whenever things went wrong.
Gaslighting
A few months into the relationship, as some of Adam’s initial charm began to wear off, Emily started voicing concerns: Why did he belittle her in front of his friends? Did he really mean it when he joked cruelly about her job? Rather than listening, Adam flat-out denied ever saying those hurtful things. He insisted Emily must be misremembering or “overreacting.” Sometimes he even accused her of going crazy or being too sensitive. This classic tactic is known as gaslighting, in which a person manipulates someone into doubting their own memory and sanity. Each time Adam rewrote reality, Emily felt more unsure of what was true. For example, one evening Emily clearly recalled Adam agreeing to meet her after work, only for him to never show. When confronted, Adam told her she had never confirmed the plan and scolded her for “imagining things.” Emily was left anxious and apologetic, wondering if she had indeed misunderstood. Gaslighting is psychological abuse at its most insidious: by making the victim question their own reality and perceptions, the narcissist gains significant power. Over time, Emily’s self-confidence in her judgment was so shaken that she started relying on Adam’s version of events, allowing him to dictate the truth. She felt confused, anxious, and unable to trust even her own memory – exactly the state a narcissist like Adam wants his partner to be in, as it keeps her dependent on him for “reality checks.”
Emotional Blackmail
As the relationship progressed, Emily noticed that whenever she tried to assert herself or say no to something Adam wanted, he would respond dramatically. If she hesitated to lend him money, he’d sulk and say, “I guess you don’t really care about our future.” If she talked about going out with friends, he’d remark, “Sure, go have fun. Don’t worry about me sitting here alone, I’m used to being abandoned.” These were not just guilt-trips – they were emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail involves using a person’s deep-seated feelings of fear, obligation, or guilt to coerce them into doing something. The blackmailer (in this case, Adam) may threaten consequences (explicitly or implicitly) if the victim doesn’t comply. Adam never had to yell or directly threaten Emily; instead, he manipulated her emotions. For instance, he hinted he might hurt himself or that he’d give up on the relationship whenever Emily didn’t give in to his demands. Faced with these implied threats, Emily often felt panic and guilt, deciding it was easier to just do what he wanted. Over time, this tactic trained her to prioritise Adam’s needs over her own out of fear of upsetting him. It’s a powerful form of control: by leveraging someone’s empathy and conscience against them, the narcissist traps the person in a loop of compliance and self-blame. In a healthy relationship, partners discuss issues respectfully. But in a narcissistic relationship, the abuser uses emotional blackmail (“If you really loved me, you would…”) to force compliance, leaving the victim feeling responsible for the abuser’s emotions and increasingly afraid to assert any personal boundaries.
Triangulation
Emily began to notice another unsettling pattern: Adam often dragged other people into their private issues. After an argument, he would tell Emily that his mother agreed Emily was out of line, or he’d suddenly mention that an ex-girlfriend used to treat him better. Sometimes he’d even flirt with a coworker in front of Emily and later claim she was being jealous for no reason. This is known as triangulation – a tactic where a narcissist involves a third party to manipulate the primary victim. The third person might be used as a comparison (“Why can’t you be more like them?”), as an ally to take the narcissist’s side, or as a tool to induce jealousy and insecurity. In Emily’s case, Adam’s constant references to his ex-girlfriend made her feel she was in a competition she could never win. If she raised an issue, Adam would say “Even my friends think you’re overreacting”, making Emily feel isolated in her concerns. Triangulation serves multiple purposes for a narcissist: it validates their perspective (since “others” are purportedly agreeing with them) and it undermines the victim’s confidence by making them feel compared, doubted, or ganged up on. Emily found herself increasingly paranoid about who Adam was talking to and desperate to prove she was as good as these other people he invoked. This kept her attention focused on winning back his approval, instead of recognizing his manipulative game. By creating a triangle, Adam expertly diverted Emily’s frustration toward imaginary “rivals” and away from the real problem – his abusive behaviour.
The Silent Treatment
During particularly tense moments, Adam would suddenly go cold. After an argument or whenever Emily did something that displeased him, he’d stop answering her calls and texts, sometimes for days. At home, he would barely speak or even look at her. Emily would be met with stony silence and a blank stare, as if she didn’t exist. This silent treatment was excruciating for her. The silent treatment is a form of emotional punishment where the narcissist withdraws all communication and affection to make the victim feel invisible and insecure. By ignoring Emily, Adam was indirectly asserting dominance – he knew the sudden cold shoulder would send her into a panic, trying anything to get him to respond. Indeed, Emily often begged Adam to talk to her, apologising profusely for whatever mistake she thought she made. The truth is, she often had no idea what triggered his silence; the uncertainty was part of the torment. Psychologically, the silent treatment put Emily on edge: humans are social creatures, and being purposefully ignored by someone you love can feel extremely distressing, even like a form of rejection or abandonment. Narcissists use this tactic to exert control without raising a hand or voice – the chilling silence does all the work. It made Emily feel isolated and anxious, often willing to agree to anything just to break the silence. Over time, she learned that even mild disagreements could result in this cruel ostracism, so she became overly careful not to do anything that might “provoke” Adam. In this way, the silent treatment helped train her into compliance and kept her doubting her own worth (since Adam only acknowledged her when she was pleasing him). It’s important to recognise that such stonewalling is not a healthy timeout or cooling-off period; it’s a deliberate intimidation tactic meant to punish and control.
Devaluation and Discard
After cycles of lovey-dovey highs and vicious lows, Emily’s relationship with Adam deteriorated into a constant walking nightmare. The very qualities that Adam once praised her for became targets for his scorn. He would call her “pathetic” for crying, “lazy” for coming home tired from work, “too clingy” when she asked why he was distancing himself. This phase is often referred to as devaluation. Once the narcissist has a firm grip on their partner (through earlier tactics like love bombing and gaslighting), they begin to belittle and criticise relentlessly. In Adam’s eyes, Emily seemed to now do everything wrong. She felt she could no longer do anything to please him – if she cooked a nice dinner, he’d complain it wasn’t what he wanted; if she dressed up, he’d make a snide remark that she was “trying too hard.” This deliberate tearing down of a partner’s self-worth is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. By devaluing Emily, Adam kept her self-esteem so low that she started to believe no one else would ever want her, and that maybe she deserved his contempt.
Then came the discard. One day, without warning, Adam announced he was “done” with the relationship. He told Emily she was “too much drama” and that he’d found someone who “knows how to treat him right.” He left her in a crumpled heap of shock and heartbreak. The discard is the final act in the narcissistic abuse cycle – the narcissist abandons their partner once they feel the partner is no longer fulfilling their endless needs, or if a new, more exciting target comes along. What made it more hurtful was that, in truth, Adam had been preparing this discard for a while: he had already lined up another woman (as Emily later discovered), and he wanted to hurt Emily on his way out to affirm his own superiority. For Emily, who had been clinging to the hope of returning to the good times, this abrupt abandonment was devastating. Narcissists can end relationships cruelly and coldly, showing a stunning lack of empathy for the pain they cause. In some cases, the discard isn’t permanent – the narcissist may return later (see Hoovering below) – but in every case, the devaluation and discard phase leaves the victim feeling worthless and traumatised. It’s important to realise that the problem was never that Emily wasn’t “good enough”; it was that Adam’s narcissism was an unquenchable pit. Idealise – devalue – discard is a cycle that has nothing to do with the worth of the victim, and everything to do with the narcissist’s disordered way of relating.
Projection and Blame-Shifting
Throughout all these stages, one thing Emily rarely, if ever, heard from Adam was an admission of fault. If anything went wrong, it was invariably her fault – according to him. If he lost his temper, it was because sheprovoked him. If he flirted with someone else, it was because she was too boring or jealous. This is an example of projection and blame-shifting. Narcissists often defend themselves by projecting their own flaws or wrongdoings onto others. It’s a psychological defence mechanism: rather than face their own inadequacies or guilt, they accuse you of the very things they themselves are doing or feeling. In Emily’s experience, Adam frequently accused her of being selfish and inconsiderate – a shocking claim, given how much she bent over backwards to please him. In reality, it was Adam who was selfish, but he projected that trait onto Emily to avoid accountability. Similarly, after one of his angry outbursts, he told her she was the one with an “anger problem” and suggested she see a therapist. Blame-shifting accompanies projection hand-in-hand. By shifting the blame to Emily for everything – even his own bad behaviours – Adam ensured that she felt guilty and responsible all the time. This tactic kept Emily constantly on the defensive, trying to prove herself and fix things she hadn’t even done. It also conveniently allowed Adam to avoid consequences; as long as he convinced her that she was the problem, he didn’t have to change a thing. For victims, this constant blame-shifting can be crazy-making. You end up carrying not only the pain of what the narcissist did, but also the unjust blame for supposedly causing it. Recognising projection is critical: when a narcissist accuses you out of the blue of some misdeed or character flaw, chances are high that it’s actually their issue. In healthy relationships, people take responsibility for mistakes. In a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist never truly apologises or owns up – they just rewrite the narrative so that everything is your fault.
Hoovering
A few weeks after leaving Emily for another woman, Adam unexpectedly reappeared. He started sending Emily messages late at night, claiming he missed her terribly and that no one understood him like she did. He left flowers at her door with a note saying, “I made a mistake, please can we talk?” Emily was torn; despite all the pain, she still loved the man she once thought he was. This phase is called hoovering – like the vacuum cleaner brand – because the narcissist is trying to suck the victim back into the relationship. Narcissists often return with promises of change, apologies (usually non-specific or short-lived), or appeals to the good times, especially when their new fling doesn’t work out or they simply crave the familiar supply of attention the previous partner gave them. Adam’s messages to Emily were textbook hoovering: he alternated between flattery (“You’re the only one who ever really loved me”) and pity plays (“I’m lost without you”), essentially attempting to reset the cycle to the idealisation phase. Importantly, none of his apologies took responsibility for the abuse; he blamed his behavior on stress at work and even subtly suggested Emily misunderstood him before. Hoovering is dangerous because it can rekindle hope in the victim and pull them back into the toxic relationship right when they are vulnerable. Emily nearly got back together with Adam – he seemed so sincere in those moments. But with the help of a close friend and a therapist, she recognised that his grand gestures now were just another form of manipulation. True to form, when Emily responded cautiously, Adam’s tone quickly shifted back to anger and guilt-tripping, revealing that nothing had really changed. Remember that hoovering is not a genuine change of heart; it’s a tactical ploy to regain control. Experts warn that if a narcissistic partner who discarded you is suddenly pouring on the charm again, it’s likely hoovering – proceed with extreme caution or not at all. As hard as it was, Emily learned that resisting the hoovering and maintaining no contact was the only way to truly break free from Adam’s cycle of abuse.
Isolation from Friends and Family
One reason it was so hard for Emily to see the full picture of what was happening was that, over the course of the relationship, she had become quite isolated. Adam systematically drove wedges between Emily and her support network. Early on, he would make mildly disparaging comments about her friends – “I don’t think Lucy really wants the best for you, you know” – planting seeds of doubt. He complained whenever Emily spent time with others, claiming he missed her so much or suggesting her family was too interfering and that “it should be just us.” If Emily planned a girls’ night, Adam would suddenly have a crisis or guilt her by saying he had wanted to spend time with her. Gradually, without ever explicitly forbidding her, Adam manipulated Emily into withdrawing from her friends, and she even saw her family less because “Adam doesn’t really like big family dinners.” This intentional isolation is a hallmark tactic of many abusers, including narcissists. By cutting off the victim’s support and outside reality-checks, the abuser gains greater control. Emily began to feel she had nowhere to turn but Adam himself, which is exactly what he wanted. Narcissists may also stir up conflict or jealousy involving anyone the victim is close to, ensuring that those relationships deteriorate. In some cases, they directly forbid contact or create chaotic scenes to discourage the victim from seeing others. In Emily’s case, the isolation was subtle but effective: months into the relationship, she found her world had shrunk to orbit entirely around Adam. She no longer had the same confidants she could trust. This made her more vulnerable to believing Adam’s lies (since the friends who might have said “this isn’t normal” were kept at a distance) and more dependent on him for emotional support (ironically, support from the very person causing the harm). Social isolation is a red flag in any relationship. Research on abusive dynamics notes that abusers often seek to isolate victims as a means of breaking down the victim’s resilience and increasing their reliance on the abuser. If your partner is discouraging your outside friendships or monitoring and limiting your contact with loved ones, it’s a serious sign of manipulation. For Emily, recognising the extent of her isolation was a wake-up call – it became clear that losing touch with her friends and family wasn’t an accident but a deliberate strategy by Adam to control her environment and narrative.
Threats and Intimidation
On a few occasions, Adam’s manipulation took an overtly menacing turn. When Emily started to pull away or showed signs of possibly leaving the relationship, Adam would suddenly become furious and say things like, “If you ever cheat on me, I’ll make you regret it,” or “You’ll be sorry if you embarrass me.” Once, during an argument, he punched a wall and glared at her in a way that made her fear he might hit her next. Although he did not physically assault her, the message was clear: he could. This is the realm of threats and intimidation. Narcissists generally prefer subtle manipulation, but if they feel their control slipping, some will resort to direct threats of violence, self-harm, blackmail, or other intimidating behaviour to instil fear. Adam, for instance, threatened to expose private pictures of Emily after she left, saying, “I have those photos – imagine if your coworkers saw them.” Such threats are designed to terrorise the victim into compliance or silence. Even without carrying them out, threats have a profound psychological impact: Emily felt constant fear and a sense of walking a tightrope, worried that one wrong move could trigger serious retaliation. Intimidation can also be more subtle – a certain look, a raised hand, a reminder of “what I’m capable of.” In all cases, the goal is control through fear. According to abuse experts, narcissists and other abusers may use tactics like emotional blackmail or threats of harm (to the victim, themselves, or even others/pets) as extreme forms of emotional abuse. Adam’s occasional threats that he’d “hurt himself” if Emily left him are a type of coercive threat too (making her feel responsible for his life). It's important to note that threats and intimidation often escalate over time, and even if actual physical violence hasn't occurred yet, it may in the future. In many abusive relationships, verbal threats are a precursor to physical abuse. Emily realised that in those moments of intimidation, the caring version of Adam was nowhere to be found – it was a glimpse at the real dynamic of power and control underlying their relationship. This realisation, while frightening, also helped her understand that she was not safe and that she needed to seek help.
Psychological and Emotional Effects on the Victim
Living through a relationship like the one Emily had with Adam can leave deep psychological scars. Narcissistic abuse is not a harmless interpersonal drama – it is a serious form of emotional and mental abuse, and research has shown it can have long-lasting, debilitating effects on those who experience it. Victims often struggle with a range of emotional and psychological issues during and after the relationship. Here are some of the common effects that survivors like Emily may experience, supported by research and expert observations:
Chronic Anxiety and Fear: Victims of narcissistic manipulation often live in a constant state of tension, never knowing what will trigger the next episode of abuse. This can manifest as extreme anxiety, panic attacks, or even symptoms of trauma like hypervigilance. Many survivors mention feeling they had to be “on guard 24/7,” always anticipating the narcissist’s next move. The gaslighting and unpredictable anger create a climate of fear, where the victim is afraid of making even minor mistakes. Over time, this anxiety can generalise to new relationships or social settings, leaving the person fearful and socially withdrawn even long after the abusive partner is gone.
Depression and Low Self-Worth: Being persistently criticised, devalued, and blamed can erode anyone’s self-esteem. It’s very common for survivors to develop depression and feelings of hopelessness. In Emily’s case, constant messages that she was “not good enough” led her to internalise those insults. Research on narcissistic abuse survivors notes that many end up feeling worthless and even ashamed, believing the narcissist’s negative narrative about them. They may struggle to remember the confident, happier person they once were. This loss of self-worth is sometimes referred to as a form of “narcissistic victim syndrome,” where the person has been so brainwashed by the abuse that they doubt their own value and capabilities. Depression can be a natural outcome of this relentless emotional battering, with symptoms like deep sadness, lack of energy, changes in sleep and appetite, and even suicidal thoughts in severe cases.
Post-Traumatic Stress: Narcissistic abuse is traumatising. Victims like Emily can experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or the closely related Complex PTSD. This might include intrusive memories of the abuse, nightmares, flashbacks, severe anxiety in situations that remind them of the trauma, and avoidance of things associated with the abuser. One hallmark is hypervigilance – the survivor’s brain remains on high alert for danger, a remnant of living under constant threat. They might startle easily or feel panicked if they sense any sign of anger in others, for example. It’s not uncommon for survivors to have difficulty trusting people or to feel unsafe even in benign situations, because their nervous system has been conditioned to expect harm at any moment. Research confirms that ongoing emotional abuse (like gaslighting, threats, and violent rages) can trigger trauma responses just as serious as those from physical violence. In other words, yes – onecan get PTSD from narcissistic abuse, because it is a prolonged traumatic experience.
Loss of Identity and Self-Confidence: Narcissistic abusers often engage in identity erosion – over time, the victim’s sense of self is systematically undermined. In the relationship, Emily found herself becoming a hollow version of who she used to be; her hobbies, friendships, and personal goals all fell away. This is sadly common. Survivors frequently report that they no longer “recognise themselves” after months or years with a narcissist. The constant manipulation acts like a form of brainwashing, making the person doubt their own likes, decisions, and beliefs. For instance, if Emily loved painting but Adam mocked it, she’d eventually quit painting. Piece by piece, the victim’s individuality is chipped away, replaced by the narcissist’s imposed reality. By the end, Emily felt like she was only “Adam’s girlfriend” and had no identity of her own. This loss of self can be deeply painful and is a major hurdle in recovery – victims have to rebuild their self-concept and rediscover who they are independent of the abuser’s influence.
Guilt, Shame, and Self-Blame: Paradoxically, even after being treated cruelly, many victims feel ashamed and blame themselves for what happened. Narcissists are experts at making their partners feel responsible for the abuse (through blame-shifting and gaslighting). Consequently, when the fog begins to clear, survivors might think, “How could I let this happen? I must be stupid for staying,” or “It was partly my fault – I made them angry.” They might also feel embarrassed for having been “fooled” by the narcissist’s charms. This self-blame is reinforced by the narcissist’s voice that lingers in their head, reminding them of every supposed flaw. Such feelings of shame can prevent individuals from reaching out for help, as they might worry others will judge them or not believe them. It’s important to emphasise, as mental health experts do, that the abuse is never the victim’s fault – feeling unworthy or believing you “deserved” the treatment is itself a result of the abuser’s manipulation. In Emily’s case, after Adam left, she was haunted by the idea that if only she had been “better” – more patient, less demanding – maybe he would not have treated her so badly or left her. It took professional counselling for her to see that nothing she did could have fixed Adam; his behaviour was a reflection of him, not of her. She (like all survivors) had been doing her best in an impossible situation.
These are just some of the psychological impacts. Survivors might also experience difficulty concentrating, dissociation (feeling numb or detached as a coping mechanism), physical health issues from chronic stress (headaches, digestive problems, etc.), and social withdrawal. One study described the aftermath of narcissistic abuse as potentially “extremely debilitating, long lasting” and noted that recovery can be a complex process due to the deep trauma inflicted. The silent scars of emotional abuse can run very deep.
The key for anyone who has gone through this is to recognise that these psychological effects are normal responses to abnormal treatment. In other words, you aren’t “going crazy” or “weak” – your mind and body are responding as anyone might when subjected to prolonged manipulation and fear. Understanding this can be the first step in healing, as we discuss next.
Recognising Manipulation and Taking Steps Toward Healing
Realising that you are caught in a narcissist’s web of manipulation can be both painful and empowering. It often happens slowly – a moment of clarity amid the confusion – or when the evidence of abuse becomes too obvious to ignore. Recognising the situation for what it is, and naming it as abuse, is crucial. In fact, mental health professionals note that acknowledging the abuse (“labelling it”) is a pivotal first step in recovery. For Emily, reading about narcissistic abuse and talking to a therapist helped her see that Adam’s behaviour followed a known pattern; she was not alone, and more importantly, she was not to blame. If you suspect you or someone you care about is in a similar situation, here are strategies to recognise the manipulation and steps to start regaining control of your life:
1. Recognise and Acknowledge the Abuse: Denial can be strong in toxic relationships, especially due to gaslighting and the hope that the partner will change. The first step is to name what is happening: if your partner is consistently making you feel crazy, scared, or worthless, you are experiencing abuse. Remind yourself that love should not feel this painful or confusing. Acknowledging that the problem is with your partner’s abusive behaviour (and not with you “causing” it) can lift a huge weight of self-blame. As one psychologist advises, facing the reality – yes, this is abuse – allows you to start making sense of your emotions and planning your next steps. Sometimes writing down incidents or talking to a trusted friend can help clarify how abnormal the situation has become. Recognising manipulation might involve learning about narcissistic tactics (as you are doing now) so that you can spot them more easily. Pay attention to patterns: do you often feel guilty after interacting with your partner, even when you did nothing wrong? Do you second-guess your memories because your partner insists you’re wrong? Such red flags indicate manipulation. Trust your gut – if something feels off or one-sided in your relationship, don’t dismiss those feelings. No one else gets to define your reality or worth. This recognition can be the turning point, just as it was for Emily when she realised that the things happening to her had a name and that others had been through it too.
2. Rebuild Your Support Network: Narcissistic abusers often isolate their victims, so reconnecting with friends, family, and support groups is extremely important. Reach out to those you trust and let them know what you’ve been going through. This can be difficult – you might feel ashamed or worry you’ll be judged – but a true friend or a caring family member will want to help you. Regaining an outside perspective is like opening a window in a stuffy room; it brings in fresh air and clarity. In Emily’s case, she had withdrawn from many friends, but when she finally confided in her older sister about the abuse, it was a relief to have someone confirm that no, you’re not crazy – this is wrong. If you feel you lack personal connections to turn to, consider joining a support group (in person or online) for survivors of narcissistic or domestic abuse. Hearing others’ experiences can validate your own and reduce that isolating feeling of being alone. Support networks serve two roles: they offer emotional comfort and practical help (like a place to stay if you need to leave, or assistance finding resources), and they remind you of your identity outside of the abuser’s shadow. As you rebuild these connections, you strengthen the safety net that can catch you as you step away from the narcissist’s control. Remember, you deserve support – you do not have to handle this all by yourself.
3. Set Boundaries and Consider Distance (or No Contact): Establishing healthy boundaries is essential when dealing with a narcissist. This means deciding what you will no longer tolerate and clearly communicating it. For example, you might say, “I will not respond to you if you yell at me or call me names,” and then follow through by disengaging when it happens. However, with narcissistic abuse, often the ultimate boundary needed is distance. Many experts and survivors advocate for going “no contact” if possible – completely cutting off communication with the narcissist – once you decide to end the relationship. This prevents them from using hoovering or other tricks to reel you back in. In Emily’s case, after Adam’s hoovering attempts, she told him not to contact her again and blocked his number and social media; it was hard, but it was the only way to stop the cycle. If going no contact isn’t immediately feasible (for example, if you have children together or other entanglements), then grey rock technique might help – remain as unemotional and unresponsive as possible to the narcissist’s provocations, giving them no fuel to work with. Safety is paramount: if you fear your partner’s reaction, have a safety plan. This might include staying with a friend or in a shelter during the transition, or even seeking a protective order in extreme cases. It’s worth consulting domestic violence resources or hotlines for guidance on safely leaving an abusive relationship. On a personal level, setting boundaries also means mentally reinforcing what you will accept in your life. You may need to remind yourself, “I deserve to be treated with respect,” especially when the narcissist tries to barge past your boundaries. Remember that enforcing boundaries with a narcissist often enrages them – they will test and violate limits – which is why physical and emotional distance is often the only truly effective boundary. As Medical News Today advises, assertive boundaries and refusing to engage in their emotional games are key to protecting yourself from further manipulation. Your wellbeing must come first.
4. Seek Professional Help (Therapy): Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a complicated journey, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy – particularly with someone who understands trauma and abusive dynamics – can provide a safe space to process what happened and rebuild your mental health. A trained counsellor or psychologist can help you work through PTSD symptoms, depression, and anxiety, and guide you in rediscovering your self-worth. Different therapeutic approaches may be useful: for instance, cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help challenge and change the negative thought patterns that the abuser instilled in you (like “I’m useless” or “I’ll never trust anyone again”), while trauma-focused therapies (like EMDR or somatic therapies) can help desensitise and heal the traumatic memories. According to a 2020 study, various therapies – including traditional talk therapy, trauma-focused interventions, and even expressive therapies like art or music therapy – have been found to alleviate stress and aid recovery for abuse survivors. The key is to find a mental health professional you feel comfortable with. Don’t be discouraged if it takes time; healing from such deep wounds is usually a slow process, but it is possible. If therapy is not immediately accessible or affordable, look for resources like counselling hotlines, community support groups, or literature on recovering from narcissistic abuse. Sometimes, just having a validating, knowledgeable professional tell you that what you went through was real and wrong can undo a lot of the self-doubt planted by the abuser. Emily credited her therapist with helping her see that Adam’s behavior followed a known pattern of narcissistic abuse, which helped her let go of the fantasy that it was somehow all her fault. Over time, therapy gave her tools to cope with triggers, rebuild her confidence, and establish healthier relationship patterns in the future.
5. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion: Surviving narcissistic abuse is exhausting. As you work on healing, it’s critical to restore your physical and emotional energy through self-care. This can include basic things like getting regular sleep, eating well, and exercise – trauma often lives in the body, and activities like yoga, walking, or even punching a boxing bag can help release pent-up stress and build a sense of strength. Self-care also means doing things that bring you joy or peace, whether that’s journaling, art, music, spending time in nature, or taking a relaxing bath. At first, you might even need to rediscover what makes you happy, since abuse can disconnect you from your own interests. Be patient with yourself in this exploration. Equally important is self-compassion: treat yourself with the kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. Remind yourself that healing takes time and there is no set timeline for “getting over” trauma. You may have days when memories or triggers hit you hard – instead of berating yourself for not being “over it,” recognise that recovery isn’t linear. Celebrate small victories, like a day where you didn’t cry, or the moment you realised you went a whole hour without thinking about your ex. These are signs of progress. Rebuilding self-esteem can involve deliberately countering negative self-talk (for instance, when you hear the internalised voice of the abuser saying “you’re worthless,” consciously replace it with “I am worthy and I am healing”). Some survivors find affirmations or spiritual practices helpful; others find empowerment in learning new skills or taking up old hobbies that the narcissist discouraged. Reconnecting with your personal strengths is powerful – remember aspects of yourself that existed before the relationship, and allow them to flourish again. It can also be healing to set and achieve small goals, which rebuilds confidence. For Emily, training for a 5K run and finishing it was a huge boost – it reminded her she could accomplish things on her own and that her body was strong, not broken. Lastly, consider journaling or writing letters (even unsent) to express the hurt and anger; getting those feelings out can be cathartic. Some people benefit from reading books or articles by others who have survived and thrived after narcissistic abuse, as these stories can inspire hope. The overarching idea is to take back control of your life in gentle, nourishing ways. Each act of self-care, each boundary you uphold, each day you choose you over fear, is a step toward reclaiming your identity and happiness.
By following these steps and utilising available resources, survivors of narcissistic abuse can gradually heal the wounds and rebuild their lives. It’s often said that recovery is not just about surviving what happened, but about learning to thrive afterward – to come out stronger, more self-aware, and able to cultivate healthy, loving relationships in the future. In the next section, we conclude with a reminder of hope and empowerment that every survivor deserves to hear.
Moving Forward with Hope and Empowerment
Escaping and recovering from a narcissist’s manipulation is not easy, but it can be done – and countless people have done it. It’s important for anyone affected to remember that they are not alone. If you’ve been reading this article and recognising these behaviours in your own partner (or ex-partner), you might be feeling a whirlwind of emotions: confusion, anger, fear, sadness, even guilt. All of these feelings are normal responses to an abnormal and unhealthy situation. But alongside those emotions, we want to reinforce a message of hope and empowerment.
Firstly, understand that the abusive behaviour you endured is not your fault. No one deserves to be manipulated, demeaned, or threatened. The shame belongs to the abuser, not to you. Coming to terms with that can take time, but it’s a truth that will set you free from self-blame. As we discussed, recognising the abuse is a powerful step. Like Emily’s experience illustrated, once she identified Adam’s tactics and saw them for what they were, she began to reclaim her reality and her strength. Knowledge is power – by learning about narcissistic manipulation, you’ve armed yourself with insight that can protect you in the future.
If you are still in the relationship and are scared or unsure about what to do, reach out for help. Talk to a professional or contact a local support service (in Australia, for example, you can call 1800RESPECT for confidential advice). You do not have to make any drastic decisions overnight. Just start by gathering information and support. Safety should be the top priority – yours and that of any children involved. Develop a plan, even if it’s just a mental one for now, about how you might remove yourself from harm when you’re ready. Remember that leaving a narcissistic abuser can be the most dangerous time because it challenges their control; having support and a plan can make this transition safer.
For those who have left or lost the narcissist in their life, know that healing is possible. The damage done may run deep, but with time and the right support, those wounds will mend. You are stronger and more resilient than you may feel right now. Surviving what you did is evidence of that strength. It may help to reflect on small ways you resisted or coped – perhaps you kept a journal in secret, or you maintained an inner sense that “this isn’t right” even when you couldn’t voice it. Those were acts of strength and self-preservation. Now, you get to use that strength to rebuild your life the way you want it.
As Emily’s story showed, it was a difficult road, but she eventually left Adam, sought therapy, and reconnected with her loved ones. In time, she felt the weight lift. She began to laugh again, to pursue her hobbies, and even to trust people who proved themselves worthy. Today, she has healthier boundaries and a renewed sense of self. What happened is not erased – it became a chapter in her life, but it no longer defines her life. She often says the experience, while horrible, taught her profound lessons about self-love, empathy, and what a healthy relationship looks like. She has turned her pain into wisdom.
Your journey might look different, but it can also lead to a place of peace and empowerment. Many survivors go on to find loving partners, or relish in being single and free, or use their experience to help others. There is no single “happy ending” – what matters is that it’s your ending to write, not the narcissist’s.
In closing, remember these key points: You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not powerless.There are people and resources ready to help. You have the right to feel safe, respected, and valued in a relationship. Healing will take time, and that’s okay – be patient and kind to yourself, just as you would to a dear friend. Each day that you choose to value yourself is a day that the narcissist’s influence over you fades. Little by little, you will find your inner voice growing louder again, and that voice will guide you to a healthier and happier future.
No matter how dark the past has been, the future holds the possibility of light. By breaking the silence, seeking support, and focusing on your recovery, you can reclaim your life and sense of self. As the saying goes, “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Empower yourself with knowledge, surround yourself with support, and step by step, you will create that new ending – one defined by hope, self-empowerment, and the respect and love that you always deserved.
You are worthy, you are strong, and you are on a path to healing – hold onto that truth as you move forward.