Understanding Coercive Control: Recognising the Signs and Seeking Help
Coercive control is a form of abuse that often flies under the radar. Unlike physical violence, coercive control involves a persistent pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours that strip away a person’s freedom and sense of self. In recent years, Australians have begun to recognise coercive control as a serious issue at the heart of domestic and family violence. This article provides an in-depth look at what coercive control is, how to identify it in relationships, and what can be done to seek help and support. We’ll also explore the latest Australian and international research, recent legal changes (including new laws in Australia), real-life case studies, and recommendations for society to better respond to this insidious form of abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control refers to a deliberate pattern of behaviours used by an abuser to dominate their partner and undermine their autonomy. It doesn’t have to be physical violence – in fact, many coercively controlling relationships involve little or no physical harm at first. Instead, the abuser uses tactics like intimidation, isolation, threats, humiliation, and micromanagement of the victim’s daily life to instil fear and compliance. The goal is to take away the victim’s freedom and independence. Over time, the victim may feel trapped, powerless, and even doubt their own reality.
Originally conceptualised by sociologist Evan Stark, coercive control highlights that domestic abuse is not just a series of isolated incidents but a course of conduct – a continuous campaign by the perpetrator to keep the victim in a state of fear and dependency. This kind of abuse can occur in any intimate or family relationship. While anyone can experience coercive control, it is most commonly perpetrated by men against women, reflecting broader gender inequalities in society. It’s important to note, however, that people of all genders, in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships, can be victims or perpetrators of coercive control.
Key features of coercive control include: it is ongoing (not a one-off argument), it involves multiple tactics of abuse, and it’s ultimately aimed at dominating the victim’s will. Often, the abusive behaviours might seem minor in isolation (for example, criticising how one dresses or frequently texting to check on whereabouts), but together they form a web of control that can be just as dangerous as physical violence. Coercive control frequently escalates over time – what starts as jealous text messages or “checking up” can spiral into total control over where the victim goes, who they see, and what they do.
How Coercive Control Manifests in Relationships
Every coercive control situation is different, but abusers tend to use a range of common controlling tactics. Here are some of the ways coercive control can manifest in an intimate relationship:
Isolation: Cutting the person off from friends, family, or other support networks. The abuser may prevent contact, move the victim far away, or behave so badly around others that the victim feels unable to maintain those relationships. The goal is to make the victim socially and emotionally dependent on the abuser alone.
Monitoring and Surveillance: Closely watching the victim’s activities and communications. This can include checking their phone messages, emails, and social media, using tracking devices or apps, or even stalking behaviors. The victim may feel like they have no privacy and that they are constantly being watched.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Accusing the victim of infidelity or flirting, and using jealousy as a justification to control their behaviour. An abuser might forbid the victim from talking to certain people or wearing certain clothes, claiming it's out of “love” or fear of losing them.
Threats and Intimidation: Using threats to instil fear. This might include threats of physical harm (“If you ever leave me, I’ll hurt you/your family”), threats to harm themselves (suicide threats to guilt the victim into staying), or threats to expose secrets. Some abusers threaten pets or children as leverage, knowing that will terrorise the victim. Displaying weapons or smashing objects can also be used to intimidate without direct violence.
Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting: Constantly putting the victim down, calling them names, humiliating them, or blaming them for everything. Over time, this constant criticism erodes the victim’s self-esteem. “Gaslighting” – denying the victim’s reality or memories – is used to make them doubt their sanity. For example, an abuser might insist “you’re imagining things” or “you’re too sensitive” when confronted, causing the victim to question themselves.
Financial/Economic Control: Taking control of all finances, denying the victim access to money, or closely regulating how every dollar is spent. The abuser might put all assets in their name, give the victim a strict “allowance”, or forbid them from working or studying. This economic abuse leaves the victim financially dependent and unable to leave due to lack of resources.
Regulating Daily Life: Micromanaging the victim’s routine – dictating what they wear, when they can go out, whom they can talk to, even when they can eat or sleep. The abuser treats the victim as subordinate, expecting obedience in all things. Over time, the victim may feel they need to “get permission” for any basic decision.
Sexual Coercion and Control: Forcing or pressuring the victim into sexual activity against their will, or in ways they’re not comfortable with. This can also include ** reproductive control** (tampering with birth control, or, in some cases, “stealthing” – removing a condom without consent). These behaviours treat the victim’s body as property rather than their own.
Using Children or Family: If children are involved, the abuser might use them as pawns – threatening to take the children away, or undermining the victim’s parenting. They may also turn the kids against the victim with false accusations (a form of abuse known as parental alienation). In elder abuse scenarios or carer relationships, the abuser might withhold care or manipulate family members to control the victim.
Abusive Litigation and System Manipulation: Some abusers extend coercive control to legal systems, repeatedly dragging the victim through court on false or trivial matters (for example, constant custody filings) purely to harass and maintain contact. This kind of abusive litigation is another way to exhaust the victim emotionally and financially. They may also use institutions (police, immigration authorities if the victim is not a citizen, etc.) as tools to control or punish the victim, which is sometimes called systems abuse.
These behaviours often start gradually and then intensify. For instance, what might appear as “caring” check-ins multiple times a day early in a relationship can later turn into relentless harassment and tracking. Many survivors report that the non-physical abuse of coercive control made them feel like they were “walking on eggshells” constantly. The cumulative effect of these tactics is to instill fear, compliance, and dependency. Victims often change their own behaviour to avoid “triggering” an outburst, effectively policing themselves to appease the abuser.
Real-Life Case Studies: The Dynamics of Coercive Control
To understand how coercive control plays out, it helps to look at real-life examples. The following case studies (with names changed for privacy) illustrate the dynamics of coercive control in relationships and its impact on those experiencing it.
Case Study 1: Emma’s Story – Trapped by Love and Fear
When Emma first started dating Liam, he was charming and attentive. He wanted to spend all his time with her. At first, Emma felt flattered that he was so in love. However, after she moved in with him, Liam’s behaviour changed. He began isolating Emma from her friends – he’d pout or become angry whenever she made plans without him. It was easier to just cancel plans than to fight about it, so over time Emma’s social circle shrank.
Liam insisted on knowing where Emma was at all times. He bombarded her with texts if she was out, and would show up unexpectedly “just to check on her”. He controlled all their finances, saying he was “better with money.” Emma had to ask him for cash even for small purchases. He criticised her appearance and choices daily: if she wore something he didn’t approve of, he’d say she was “asking for male attention.” If she came home 10 minutes later than expected, he accused her of cheating. Emma began to doubt herself – was she actually doing something wrong to upset him?
The turning point came when Emma realised she was constantly afraid of how Liam would react to anything she did. One night, after a trivial disagreement, Liam punched the wall next to her face. He then broke down crying, apologising and blaming stress at work. Emma had no visible injury, but she was terrified. She knew then that the control and anger were escalating and could turn fully physical. With the encouragement of a colleague who noticed her distress, Emma contacted a women’s helpline. With their support, she made a safety plan. While Liam was at work, she packed a bag and left to stay at a secure location through a local domestic violence service. It wasn’t easy—Liam bombarded her with desperate messages alternating between apologies and threats. But with help, Emma obtained a restraining order and started rebuilding her life. She later reflected that “I didn’t have a single bruise, but I lived in constant fear. The psychological scars ran deep.” Emma’s story shows how coercive control can entrap someone long before any physical violence occurs, and how recognising the signs and seeking help can potentially save a life.
Case Study 2: David’s Story – When the Abuser Isn’t a Man
David and Chris had been together for five years. In their friend group, everyone thought Chris was the “alpha” partner – outspoken and a bit controlling – but they assumed it was a personality quirk. David knew that Chris liked things his way, but he didn’t realise how bad it had become until after they bought a house together. Chris would lash out if David spent time with his own family, so visits grew infrequent. If David got a call from a colleague who happened to be female, Chris would accuse him of flirting or cheating. To prove his loyalty, David eventually stopped speaking to most of his female friends.
Behind closed doors, arguments were intense. Chris would yell for hours, calling David harsh names, then give him the silent treatment for days. When David tried to leave the house to cool off, Chris hid the car keys or stood in front of the door. On several occasions, Chris threatened to self-harm or even to kill himself if David ever left him – leaving David feeling guilty and responsible for Chris’s wellbeing. David found himself constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering Chris’s anger. He thought if he could just be a “better partner”, things would improve.
The situation took a toll on David’s mental health. He became anxious, withdrawn, and felt ashamed – as a man, he doubted anyone would take him seriously as a victim of domestic abuse. It wasn’t until a particularly bad night when Chris smashed David’s laptop and pushed him against a wall that David acknowledged this was abuse. A neighbour heard the commotion and quietly slipped David a note the next day with the number for a men's domestic violence support service. That gave David the courage to reach out. With the help of a counsellor who understood that men can be victims too, David learned that Chris’s behaviour was classic coercive control. He eventually moved out, after arranging a safe time to do so. David is now receiving ongoing support and therapy. He wants others to know that coercive control isn’t limited by gender – anyone can be trapped in an abusive relationship, and everyone deserves support to break free.
These case studies highlight that coercive control can take many forms. In Emma’s case, the coercive control was overtly about power and dominance by a male partner; in David’s case, the controlling partner used manipulative tactics like guilt and was able to abuse David’s reluctance to see himself as a victim. Both stories underscore how victims often minimise or rationalise the abuse for a long time, and how important it is for friends, family, and professionals to spot the red flags and offer support before things escalate further.
The Impact of Coercive Control on Victims
Coercive control can be absolutely devastating to a person’s wellbeing. Victims of coercive control often suffer serious psychological and emotional harm. Research in the UK and Canada has found that experiencing coercive control is associated with significantly poorer mental health and wellbeing for women. Many victims develop anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of prolonged abuse. Living under constant threat and surveillance creates chronic stress that can lead to sleep problems, panic attacks, or other health issues. Over time, victims may lose their sense of identity and self-worth, as the abuser systematically erodes their confidence through criticism and gaslighting.
Physical health can also be indirectly affected. Victims might neglect their own health needs out of fear or lack of autonomy (e.g. not attending doctor appointments because their partner forbids it). In some cases, coercive control eventually does lead to physical violence, but even when it doesn’t, the constant fear of violence can cause the body to remain in “fight or flight” mode, with all the physiological strain that entails.
One of the most dangerous impacts of coercive control is how it can escalate to lethal violence. Coercive control is now understood to be a major red flag for intimate partner homicide. The New South Wales Domestic Violence Death Review Team found that in 97% of domestic violence homicides, the victim had experienced coercive controlling behaviours prior to being killed. In other words, almost all cases where a partner murders their spouse were preceded not necessarily by one severe assault out of the blue, but by a pattern of control, jealousy, stalking or intimidation. Domestic violence experts often say that coercive control is one of the strongest predictors of future lethal violence – even more so than prior physical assaults. This highlights why it’s so critical to take non-physical abuse seriously; it’s not “just psychological” – it can be a matter of life and death.
The economic impact on victims is also significant. Being financially controlled or forced out of employment leaves many survivors without savings or income, which can trap them in the abusive relationship for longer and make it harder to rebuild their lives afterward. Some victims lose their jobs because the abuser’s harassment (like constant calls or showing up at the workplace) undermines their employment. Victims may also incur debts if the abuser has taken credit in their name or drained joint accounts.
Coercive control doesn’t only hurt the direct victim; it often has ripple effects on children and families. Children who grow up witnessing a parent being controlled and demeaned can experience emotional and developmental issues. They may feel anxiety, guilt, or confusion, and they may internalise unhealthy ideas about relationships. Even if the children are not direct targets of the abuse, the tense and fearful household environment affects them deeply.
From a societal standpoint, the cumulative impact of coercive control is enormous. Victims often require medical care, mental health services, and possibly intervention by police or courts. Their productivity at work may suffer, and they may need financial assistance if they escape the relationship with limited resources. A 2021 estimate by KPMG put the annual cost of violence against women (including forms of coercive abuse) in Australia in the billions of dollars when factoring in health, legal, and economic costs to society. Beyond dollars, though, are the human costs: lives lost or harmed, potential unfulfilled, and an intergenerational cycle of abuse if we don’t break it.
How Common Is Coercive Control? (Australian and International Research)
Understanding the prevalence of coercive control has been challenging for researchers, because definitions vary and many victims don’t report non-physical abuse. However, available studies indicate that coercive control is far from rare. In Australia, national surveys on domestic violence shed light on how widespread controlling behaviours are:
Emotional abuse (a core component of coercive control) has been experienced by roughly 1 in 4 women (23%) and 1 in 7 men (14%) from a current or former partner. This includes behaviours like constant criticism, intimidation, and threats.
Economic abuse (financial control) has been experienced by about 16% of women and 7.8% of men from an intimate partner. Economic abuse is often a telltale sign of coercive control, as abusers use money to trap victims.
When looking at coercive control as a broader pattern, international research estimates that anywhere from 7.5% to 28% of people may experience coercive control victimisation in their lifetime. This wide range reflects different study methods and definitions, but even the lower end represents millions of people worldwide.
Some population sub-groups face higher risks. For example, women who have separated from an abusive partner, or who are involved in family court disputes, report very high rates of ongoing coercive control (one study found rates up to 100% in such high-conflict samples). This indicates that even after leaving the relationship, many women continue to experience control and harassment – the abuse doesn’t always stop at separation.
Research in Australia suggests coercive control might be more commonly identified here than in some other countries. This could be due to growing awareness and better understanding among Australians, or it could reflect that the problem is genuinely widespread. We should note that as awareness rises, more people recognise and name these behaviours as abusive.
It’s also important to highlight that coercive control is a gendered problem. While men can certainly be victims (as David’s story illustrates), the majority of coercive control cases involve male perpetrators and female victims. This aligns with broader domestic violence patterns and is tied to societal power imbalances between men and women. A history of gender inequality and attitudes that condone male dominance in relationships contribute to why women are disproportionately targeted. That said, abuse in any form is unacceptable, and male victims, as well as LGBTQ+ individuals, also need support and recognition.
Public understanding of coercive control is improving but still has gaps. A national survey of Australians found that one in three people believed that “if a woman doesn’t leave an abusive relationship, she is partly responsible for the abuse” – a harmful misconception that overlooks the realities of coercive control. Many victims can’t easily leave because they are literally being controlled, have no money, or fear severe repercussions. Encouragingly, awareness campaigns and education (often led by survivor advocates and domestic violence organisations) are working to dispel these myths and shift the blame off the victim.
Legal Responses and Recent Changes in Australia
For many years, the law struggled to address coercive control, because it often falls outside the scope of traditional criminal offences (which focus on physical harm or single incidents). However, this is rapidly changing. Australia is now in the midst of significant legal reforms to recognise and criminalise coercive control, learning from international examples and the demands of domestic violence experts who have highlighted the need for legal intervention.
International Developments
Internationally, one of the pioneers in criminalising coercive control was the United Kingdom. England and Wales introduced a specific offence of “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” in 2015. Scotland went even further with a groundbreaking Domestic Abuse Act in 2018 that comprehensively covers coercive control, including psychological abuse, as a standalone crime. These laws have led to hundreds of prosecutions in the UK and have raised awareness in the justice system that abuse is not only about physical violence.
Other countries are following suit. For example, Ireland criminalised coercive control in 2019, and more recently some jurisdictions in the United States (such as California and the proposal in Massachusetts) have been looking at legal measures to allow restraining orders or criminal penalties for coercive control. New Zealand’s domestic violence law also recognises psychological abuse and coercive behaviour, even if it doesn’t label it “coercive control” per se. These international developments have provided models and cautionary tales (highlighting the importance of police training and clear definitions) for Australian states considering their own laws.
Australia’s Journey Towards Criminalising Coercive Control
Within Australia, Tasmania was the earliest mover in this space. All the way back in 2004, Tasmania introduced laws that made certain coercive behaviours criminal offences – specifically economic abuse and emotional abuse or intimidation were outlawed under the Family Violence Act 2004. This made Tasmania the first Australian jurisdiction to directly criminalise aspects of coercive control. However, these offences in Tasmania were somewhat narrow and not widely used; for many years, other states did not have equivalent laws.
The issue gained national prominence in recent times due to some high-profile tragedies and advocacy. The shocking 2020 murder of a Queensland woman, Hannah Clarke, and her three children by her estranged husband (after a long history of controlling and jealous behaviour) was a catalyst for change. It prompted widespread public outcry and led to calls for coercive control to be criminalised so that warning signs can be acted on before such extreme violence occurs.
As of early 2025, here is the status of coercive control laws across Australia:
New South Wales (NSW): NSW was the first state to pass a standalone coercive control offence. In November 2022, the NSW Parliament approved the Crimes Legislation Amendment (Coercive Control) Act 2022. This law creates a specific crime of abusive behaviour in intimate partner relationships, capturing coercive and controlling conduct. The law came into effect on 1 July 2024, allowing authorities to charge perpetrators for patterns of abuse against current or former partners. The offence carries significant penalties (up to 7 years imprisonment in NSW). Importantly, the NSW law requires proof of a “course of conduct” (i.e. more than a one-off incident) and applies initially only to intimate partners (not other family members yet). The decision to limit it to intimate partners was because research showed the strong link between coercive control and intimate partner homicides. NSW plans to review the law in a few years to consider expanding it to other relationships. This reform is a major shift, explicitly recognising that non-physical abuse is criminal.
Queensland: Queensland became the second state to criminalise coercive control. In December 2022, a Women’s Safety and Justice Taskforce recommended criminalisation, and by April 2023 the Queensland Government had introduced a bill. The Criminal Law (Coercive Control and Affirmative Consent) Amendment Bill 2023 was passed by the Queensland Parliament on 6 March 2024. The new law in Queensland establishes a standalone offence of coercive control in domestic relationships, with a maximum penalty of 14 years imprisonment. (The law also notably strengthened sexual consent laws at the same time, including outlawing “stealthing”.) Queensland’s approach was comprehensive, and the government has been working on training police and educating the public ahead of the law’s commencement (which is expected to be sometime in late 2024 or 2025). Queensland leaders were vocal about why the law is needed: “Coercive control is also the biggest predicting factor for intimate partner homicide,” noted the Queensland Minister for Women, Shannon, underlining that these changes aim to save lives.
Tasmania: As mentioned, Tasmania has long had offences covering emotional and economic abuse. While not labelled “coercive control,” these laws (Section 8 and 9 of the Family Violence Act 2004) effectively criminalise many behaviours that are part of coercive control. Tasmania’s experience over the past two decades is frequently studied in discussions about how such laws work in practice.
South Australia (SA): South Australia is in the process of criminalising coercive control. The SA government committed to introducing laws, and a draft Criminal Law Consolidation (Coercive Control) Amendment Bill was released for consultation in 2023. The proposed SA law would make coercive control in intimate relationships a crime with up to 7 years imprisonment. At the time of writing, SA is refining the legislation, with an expectation that it will be introduced to Parliament soon. The law will focus on the perpetrator’s intent to control rather than individual incidents, and the SA government has indicated it wants to get the balance right to protect victims while minimising unintended consequences.
Victoria: Victoria has not yet introduced a specific coercive control offence. The issue has been considered – the Victorian Royal Commission into Family Violence in 2016 acknowledged coercive control as a core aspect of family violence. Rather than immediately criminalising it, Victoria focused on improving police and service responses to non-physical abuse. The Victorian government has so far taken a cautious approach, monitoring the implementation in other states like NSW. However, coercive control is indirectly addressed under Victoria’s broad definition of family violence (which includes emotional and psychological abuse) for the purposes of intervention orders. There are ongoing calls from some advocates in Victoria to criminalise coercive control, and it wouldn’t be surprising to see movement on this in coming years.
Western Australia (WA): WA has not yet criminalised coercive control as a separate offence. However, in 2024 the WA government introduced reforms to strengthen responses to domestic violence, including electronic monitoring of high-risk offenders. Importantly, WA amended its Restraining Orders Act to explicitly acknowledge the patterned nature of coercive behaviours and their cumulative harm in the definition of family violence. This means that when courts consider restraining orders or other interventions, they must take into account repeated controlling behaviours, not just individual incidents. The WA Attorney General noted this is “the first legislative reform as part of a phased response to the criminalisation of coercive control”. So WA may be laying groundwork for a future offence.
Australian Capital Territory (ACT) and Northern Territory (NT): Neither territory has a specific coercive control law at this stage. Like other jurisdictions, they rely on existing laws (assault, stalking, intimidation, etc.) and protection orders to respond to these behaviours. The ACT government has been examining the issue; in 2021, a bill to criminalise coercive control was tabled in the ACT’s Legislative Assembly by a private member, prompting debate. The ACT is likely waiting to see outcomes from NSW and Qld before proceeding. The NT has also acknowledged the issue in its domestic violence strategies but has not yet pursued a standalone law.
It’s worth noting that at the federal level, Australia’s Family Law Act (which deals with divorce and child custody) was amended in 2011 to include examples of family violence that cover coercive and controlling behaviours. While that is a civil context (not criminal), it means federal family courts are required to recognise coercive control as abusive when considering what’s in the best interest of children, etc.
The push to criminalise coercive control has been supported by many advocacy groups and survivors, who argue it will improve safety and send a clear societal message. However, some experts have also cautioned about challenges:
Evidence and Proof: It can be difficult to prove a pattern of behaviour beyond reasonable doubt in court. Much of coercive control happens behind closed doors. Investigators will need training to gather evidence (texts, witness statements, diaries, etc.) that show a course of conduct.
Unintended Consequences: There’s concern that poorly implemented laws could lead to misidentification of the victim as the perpetrator. For example, if a victim, after prolonged abuse, lashes out in self-defence, police might misconstrue who was controlling whom. This has been a problem in some cases under existing laws, and training will be essential to avoid it. Marginalised groups, such as Indigenous or CALD (culturally and linguistically diverse) women, might also be at risk of being unfairly criminalised due to biases, as Professor Heather Douglas and others have researched.
Resource Needs: Police, courts, and services will need resources and training to enforce these laws effectively. The UK experience showed that simply passing the law wasn’t enough – substantial training of police was needed so they could identify patterns and not just treat domestic calls as one-off incidents.
Despite these challenges, Australia is clearly moving towards a landscape where coercive control is universally recognised as a crime. This legal change is a powerful signal that such abuse is not tolerated. Over time, as the laws take effect, we will learn more about their impact – whether they are helping to deter abuse and secure justice, and how they might need to be improved.
Recognising the Signs of Coercive Control
Coercive control can be hard to recognise, both for victims and those around them, because it often builds up gradually and can be mistaken for "normal" relationship problems or intense love. Being aware of the warning signs is crucial. Here are some practical signs and red flags that may indicate someone is experiencing coercive control:
You feel constantly monitored or checked on: Your partner tracks where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing at all times. They might demand constant updates, look through your phone, or use GPS to track you.
Isolation from friends and family: Your partner gets angry or sulks when you spend time with others. You find yourself cutting off relationships to avoid conflict. You’ve lost touch with people you used to be close to because it’s just easier than dealing with your partner’s jealousy or disapproval.
Always seeking “permission”: You feel like you have to ask permission to make everyday decisions – whether it’s spending money, going out, or even attending work or school. If you make a choice on your own, your partner reacts badly.
Frequent put-downs or criticism: Your partner routinely belittles you – calling you stupid, crazy, ugly, or telling you that you’re lucky they put up with you. They may disguise insults as “jokes” or claim they’re just trying to help you improve. Over time, you’ve started to believe some of these negative things about yourself.
Unpredictable anger or mood swings: You feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” because anything might set your partner off. They have a bad temper and small things lead to major arguments or rage. You adjust your behaviour constantly to try to keep them calm.
Controlling finances: You either have limited access to money or your partner scrutinises every expense. They might give you an allowance, take your pay, or make all financial decisions alone. You worry about how you’d cope financially if you ever left.
Rules that only apply to you: Your partner has double standards – they can go out with friends or make personal choices, but you’re not allowed to do the same. They might justify it with excuses, but it always ends up that their wishes trump yours.
Sexual pressure or coercion: You are pressured to have sex or engage in sexual acts that you don’t want to. Your partner might not take no for an answer, or they use guilt (“If you loved me, you would do this”) to get their way. They might also control your reproductive choices (e.g. refusing to use contraception or tampering with birth control).
Threats and intimidation: Your partner might threaten to hurt you, your loved ones, or pets if you don’t comply with their demands. Or they threaten self-harm to manipulate you. Even without direct threats, you might notice they intimidate you by punching walls, throwing things, or giving you menacing looks that scare you.
Gut feeling that something is very wrong: Perhaps the biggest sign is how you feel. If you often feel afraid of your partner’s reactions, if you feel powerless or trapped, or if you find yourself constantly trying to appease them, those are huge red flags. Love and fear should not coexist in a healthy relationship.
It’s important to trust your instincts. If you suspect that what you’re experiencing isn’t normal or healthy, you’re probably right. Coercive control is all about making you doubt yourself, so reclaiming that self-trust is a first step. Sometimes, it takes a friend or professional to point out that the behaviours you’re living with are abusive. Many victims say “I didn’t realise I was being abused until someone put a name to it – coercive control.”
If you notice these signs in a friend or family member’s relationship, take them seriously. You might observe that your friend has become increasingly withdrawn, seems anxious about pleasing their partner, or has mentioned that their partner is “strict” or “very jealous.” They might have to cancel plans a lot or check in obsessively with their partner. These could all be indicators of coercive control.
Seeking Help and Support
Recognising coercive control is vital, but equally important is knowing that help is available. If you or someone you care about might be in a coercively controlling relationship, here are some practical steps and resources for seeking help:
1. Reach Out to Someone You Trust: It can feel very isolating to live under coercive control, but you do not have to deal with it alone. Consider confiding in someone you trust – a close friend, a family member, or a colleague. Let them know what’s been happening. Even if you feel ashamed or afraid, understand that abuse thrives in silence. Telling someone is a way to break that isolation and get support. You might be surprised how understanding people can be once they know what you’re going through. If speaking is hard, you could write down what you want to say or use a code word with a friend to signal you need help.
2. Contact Professional Help (Helplines and Services): Australia has several services that specialise in domestic abuse and coercive control. A primary 24/7 helpline is 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) – a national hotline where trained counsellors can provide confidential support and advice. You can call them any time, or use their online chat if it’s unsafe to talk on the phone. They can help you safety plan and connect you with local services. Each state also has domestic violence support organisations and sometimes specific services for certain groups (for example, the Men’s Referral Service 1300 766 491 for male victims or men seeking help to change their behaviour, and 13YARN 13 92 76which is a crisis line for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people). There are also women's shelters, legal aid services, and counselling services that 1800RESPECT can refer you to. Remember, these professionals understand what coercive control is – you don’t have to prove anything to them to be taken seriously.
3. Develop a Safety Plan: If you are considering leaving or changing your situation, it’s important to plan for safety, because the risk can increase when an abuser feels they are losing control. A safety plan is a personalised, practical plan that might include: setting aside emergency money and important documents (passport, bank cards, birth certificates) in a safe place; identifying a quick escape route in case of immediate danger; establishing a code word or signal with someone you trust so they know when to call for help; and arranging a safe place to go (a friend’s house or a refuge). 1800RESPECT or a local domestic violence service can help you craft a safety plan tailored to your circumstances. Do not announce to the abuser that you plan to leave – this can be very dangerous. Instead, make preparations quietly and seek advice on the safest way to exit the relationship if that’s your goal.
4. Legal Protection: Even if coercive control is not yet a criminal offence in your state (or even if it is), you can often still get legal protection. Intervention orders (called Apprehended Violence Orders (AVOs) in NSW, Family Violence Orders in some states, or Domestic Violence Orders (DVOs) in others) can be sought through the courts or police. These orders can place restrictions on the abuser – for example, they might be ordered not to contact you, harass you, or come near you. Breaching such an order is a criminal offence. While a piece of paper cannot physically stop someone, it is an important legal tool that signals to the abuser that authorities are involved, and it provides grounds for police to arrest if the abuser doesn't comply. Many victims of coercive control have successfully obtained protection orders based on psychological abuse and threats; you usually don’t need to wait until physical harm occurs. Consider reaching out to a legal aid office or a community legal centre for advice on this process. If you’re ever in immediate danger, call 000 for the police.
5. Document the Abuse: If it’s safe to do so, keep records of the controlling behaviour. Save threatening messages, keep a journal of incidents, or confide in a doctor or counselor about what’s happening (those records could later serve as evidence). This documentation can be very useful if you choose to pursue legal action, or even just to remind yourself that “No, it’s not in my head, these things really did happen,” in the face of gaslighting. Be careful that these records are kept in a secure way where your abuser cannot find them – perhaps give copies to a friend or keep them in a hidden password-protected folder or an email account the abuser doesn’t know about.
6. Emotional Support and Recovery: Experiencing coercive control can be psychologically traumatic. It’s often helpful to engage with a counsellor or support group who understands domestic abuse. Counselling can help you process what you've been through, rebuild self-esteem, and address anxiety or depression. Support groups (even online ones) can connect you with other survivors who have had similar experiences, which helps in realising you’re not alone and that others have successfully escaped and healed. Recovery is a journey – be kind to yourself and seek help for your mental health as needed.
7. If You’re Not Ready to Leave Yet: That’s okay. Many victims aren’t ready or able to leave for a long time, or they may choose to stay for various reasons (children, financial dependence, hoping the partner will change, etc.). Even if you stay, you can still reach out to services discreetly to get support for yourself. You can also take smaller steps like secretly stashing some money, updating your resume (if employment will be an issue), or arranging for the kids’ documents and favourite belongings to be ready – these steps can help if a crisis happens. Also consider talking to a counsellor who can help you cope with the ongoing situation and strategise ways to keep safe within it.
8. For Friends and Family: If you suspect someone you know is experiencing coercive control, the best thing you can do is be there for them without judgment. Let them know you’re concerned about them, point out that their partner’s behaviour is not okay (sometimes gently sharing an article like this one or a hotline number can open their eyes), and offer specific help. Don’t say “Why don’t you just leave?” – instead, say “I’m here for you if you ever need help or a place to stay. You don’t deserve what’s happening.” Be patient; victims may defend their abuser or downplay things out of fear or shame. Continue to be supportive and check in on them. If you ever think someone is in immediate danger, you can call the police – but understand that outside intervention can have complex outcomes, so whenever possible, involve the victim in the decision and assure them you have their back.
9. If You Recognise Controlling Behaviours in Yourself: It takes courage to admit, but if you worry that you have been the one behaving in a controlling or abusive way, know that help is available for you too. Resources like the Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) can provide anonymous counselling and refer you to behaviour change programs. Change is possible if you’re willing to take responsibility and work on it. Ending coercive behaviour is crucial not only for your partner’s well-being but for your own growth and the health of your relationships.
Above all, remember that you are not alone and that what is happening is not your fault. Coercive control can make a person feel powerless and hopeless, but there are caring professionals and survivors who understand and want to help you reclaim your life. Reaching out for help can be daunting, but it may be the first step to safety and freedom.
Societal Impact and Moving Forward: Responding Better to Coercive Control
Coercive control is not just a “private issue” behind closed doors – it’s a widespread social problem that requires a coordinated response from all levels of society. When coercive control goes unrecognised and unaddressed, the consequences can be tragic, as we’ve seen in domestic homicide cases. But with greater awareness and action, we can improve outcomes for victims and hold perpetrators accountable before things escalate.
On a societal level, coercive control reinforces gender inequality and fear. It affects workplace productivity (as victims struggle to cope or perpetrators sabotage their jobs), strains the healthcare system (through the mental and physical health effects on victims), and involves significant policing and legal resources. By tackling coercive control, we not only protect individuals, we also reduce the overall burden of domestic violence on our community.
Recommendations for improving the response to coercive control:
Policymakers and Legislators: Continue to strengthen laws and policies around coercive control. This includes finalising and implementing coercive control offences in remaining jurisdictions, but also ensuring that new laws are accompanied by clear guidelines. Policymakers should allocate funding for training programs so that police, prosecutors, and judges understand the nature of coercive control and can apply the laws effectively. It’s also important to engage in public awareness campaigns – similar to drink-driving or anti-smoking campaigns – to shift public attitudes that might implicitly tolerate controlling behaviours. Educational programs about respectful relationships (in schools, workplaces, and community groups) can help prevent coercive control by teaching what healthy vs. unhealthy relationship dynamics look like. Finally, policymakers should invest in research and data collection on coercive control, to monitor how prevalent it is and how well interventions are working, and adjust strategies accordingly.
Law Enforcement and the Justice System: Police officers are often the first point of contact for victims, so they need the tools to recognise coercive control even when bruises are not visible. Law enforcement agencies should implement specialised training to help officers identify patterns of abuse during domestic violence call-outs. Instead of treating each incident in isolation, police should be trained to ask questions like “Has this person been controlling or intimidating you in other ways? Has this been happening for a long time?” Many jurisdictions are developing checklists or risk assessment tools that include coercive behaviours. Police also need protocols to correctly identify the primary aggressor in situations where victims might have fought back (to avoid charging the wrong person). Moreover, law enforcement can collaborate with domestic violence advocates – some police units now have social workers or DV specialists working alongside them to provide a fuller response. For the justice system at large, courts should be educated on coercive control so that bail conditions, sentencing, and Family Court decisions all reflect an understanding of its seriousness. For instance, a judge in a Family Court matter should recognise that a parent who coercively controls the other parent could also be harming the children emotionally. The justice system should also enforce consequences for breaches of intervention orders swiftly, as these often start as coercive tactics that, if unchecked, embolden the abuser.
Support Services and Healthcare Providers: Domestic violence support services (shelters, hotlines, counselling centres) must be adequately funded to meet the needs of victims of coercive control. These organisations should provide training for their staff and volunteers specifically on coercive control – for example, understanding trauma bonding (why victims might feel a confusing loyalty or attachment to the abuser), and the unique safety challenges involved. Support services can improve outreach so that people know help is not just for “when you’ve been hit” but also for non-physical abuse. Healthcare providers (GPs, nurses, therapists) also play a key role – often they might see signs of distress or health issues related to coercive control. Training doctors and mental health professionals to gently screen for domestic abuse and coercive control can lead to earlier intervention. For instance, a GP who suspects a patient’s symptoms (anxiety, unexplained chronic pain) might be related to stress at home could ask indirect questions like “How are things at home? Do you feel safe and supported by your partner?” and provide referral information in a safe way. Workplace support is another avenue: employers can implement policies for supporting staff who disclose domestic abuse (like flexible leave, confidentiality, and referrals to EAP programs). Some larger companies in Australia now provide paid domestic violence leave, understanding that escaping abuse often requires time off for legal, housing, and recovery matters.
Public Awareness and Education: Each of us in the community can help change the culture that allows coercive control to continue. Challenging harmful attitudes – for example, if someone jokes about “keeping their wife in line” or suggests that controlling jealousy is a sign of love – is important. We can spread awareness by talking openly about coercive control, sharing articles or campaigns on social media, and supporting organisations that work in this field. Schools should incorporate discussions about consent, respect, and equality in relationships as part of their curriculum, so that young people learn early that controlling behaviour is not okay. There are also campaigns and resources available (like the NSW Government’s “See the Signs” or WA’s “Coercion Hurts”campaigns) that can be promoted in the community. The more people understand coercive control, the more likely it is to be recognised early and the less abusers will be able to hide behind the excuse that “it’s just a private matter”.
Intersectional and Marginalised Communities: It’s crucial that our response to coercive control includes tailoring support for diverse communities. Indigenous women, for instance, face higher rates of violence and additional barriers to reporting (mistrust of police, fear of child removal, etc.), so responses need to be culturally safe and community-led. Services run by First Nations people for First Nations people, and strong partnerships with Indigenous communities, are needed to address coercive control in those contexts. Similarly, migrant women may face language barriers or fear of deportation if they report abuse (especially if their abuser threatens them regarding visa status). Ensuring that information about coercive control is available in multiple languages and that there are legal protections (for example, protections for temporary visa holders who experience domestic violence) are important policy steps. LGBTQ+ individuals also experience coercive control and may fear discrimination when seeking help, so having inclusive services matters. Overall, a “one size fits all” approach won’t work – we need to acknowledge how factors like culture, race, sexuality, disability and socio-economic status intersect with experiences of coercive control, and respond accordingly.
In summary, to better respond to coercive control, everyone has a part to play: from governments making laws and funding services, to police and courts improving their practices, to community organisations raising awareness, and individual citizens looking out for one another. When society takes coercive control seriously, victims can feel more confident in coming forward, knowing they will be believed and supported, and perpetrators receive the clear message that their behaviour is criminal and reprehensible.
Conclusion
Coercive control is a pernicious form of abuse that operates in the shadows of everyday life. For too long, it was not fully understood – victims suffered in silence, sometimes not even recognising that what they were enduring was abuse, and authorities often lacked the tools to intervene until physical violence occurred. Today, that is changing. We are collectively shining a light on coercive control, recognising it as the core of domestic abuse rather than a side aspect. With new research, we have better insight into how it works and how deeply it harms individuals and society. With new laws in Australia and elsewhere, we are starting to hold abusers accountable for this course of conduct, not just isolated incidents.
If you have read this far, you have taken an important step in educating yourself. Whether you are someone who may be experiencing coercive control, someone worried about a loved one, or just a member of the community, your awareness can make a difference. Abuse thrives in ignorance and secrecy; by understanding coercive control, you can help disrupt it. If something in this article resonated with your personal situation, please consider reaching out for help – you are not alone, and there are people ready to support you. If you learned something that you think others should know, share it – start conversations, be the person who gently says “Actually, that kind of behaviour is not okay, it’s a form of abuse.”
Ultimately, our goal as a society should be to foster relationships built on respect, trust, and equality – the very opposite of coercive control. By recognising the signs early, supporting those in need, and refusing to tolerate controlling abuse, we take away the power that abusers seek to hold. Understanding coercive control is the first step; the next steps are to keep improving our responses and to stand in solidarity with victim-survivors. Together, we can work towards a future where everyone can live with freedom, safety, and dignity, free from coercion and control.
If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control or any form of domestic abuse, help is available. In Australia, call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or visit their website for 24/7 confidential support. In an emergency, always dial 000. No one should have to live in fear – support and hope are within reach.
Breaking Free: Understanding Coercive Control and Reclaiming Your Life
Are you feeling trapped, unheard, or constantly second-guessing yourself in a relationship? Do you sense something is deeply wrong but struggle to put it into words? You are not alone.
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