Unless you grew up on a Hollywood movie set, there is probably a part of you that is self-deprecating when you make a mistake. Your inner voice may say “What an idiot,” “I’m so stupid,” “I’m just not good enough,” “I don’t deserved to be loved,” and far, far worse. You may have brought home a disappointing test result from school, and a well-meaning parent may have told you “buck your ideas up or you’ll never be good enough to get a good job,” in the hope that this may motivate you to work harder. On this one occasion, perhaps you did pick your socks up and work harder next time with a positive outcome. So your parent’s remark was helpful. Sometimes we use punitive statements to motivate us to work harder. But, more often than not, such punitive statements, if heard repeatedly overtime, tend to be internalized. Even when you no longer hear such messages, it is like you take over where others left off (be that a parent, coach, teacher, bully at school), and you beat yourself up. This self-criticism is not something that will help to keep you safe or to motivate you to work harder. 

We develop rules about ourselves that are reinforcing, even when the consequences are negative. For example, if you developed a rule that “I’m not smart,” then you begin to behave in a way that reinforces this rule – you don’t study for that test, and as a result you don’t perform well. Your self-concept may then tell you failed the test because you “are not smart enough” as opposed to “I didn’t study or work hard enough”. 

You might be a young person reading this, or you might connect to your younger self while reading this passage now. When we develop the belief that we are defective, bad, or not good enough, we often engage in behaviours aimed at regaining control. For example, we may cling to our abusive self-critic in the belief that self-criticism is beneficial or motivating. We may disconnect from ourselves in an attempt to escape the “bad” parts of ourselves by using drugs, engaging in endless distractions, or entering a fantasy world. We might disconnect from others out of fear that others will see how flawed and unloveable we are, or because others may hurt us. We may also act in inconsistent ways, brushing things off, and acting like hurtful events don’t matter. 

Self-criticism is a natural part of being human, and is not always related to negative outcomes. So what is the antidote to self-criticism? Self-compassion. We are able to negate some of the negative effects of self-criticism by responding with kindness. 

How do I do this you might ask? The first step is to build an awareness of your self-critic. NOTICE….. “my self-critic is beating me up with thoughts that I am not smart enough, good enough, that I’m unloveable” AND respond with kindness: “I made a mistake, that is part of being human.” We are often not used to being kind to ourselves, so this will feel really uncomfortable to start with, but persist. If you can’t think of anything kind to say to yourself, think about what you would say to aclose friend if the roles were reversed.

Dr Kate Cruise